I’m entirely too old not to have a properly developed sexuality. Am I gay? Straight? Bisexual? Pansexual? Intermitently sexual? Vampire? Werewolf? What?
white girls who want my culture’s bindis and saris and henna
take my skin colour too
and my dark brown lips
take my self-hatred because i don’t fit into the euro-centric ideals of beauty
take the oppression too
take the history of colonization that has devastated my country
and the drones that currently devastate my country
take all the bad stuff too
not just the pretty, shiny, sparky bits
take the ugly, dehumanizing and shitty parts too
Why would they though? Seriously, why would they?
That’s to them saying something akin to “don’t eat the nut rich in fat and protein; eat the outer poisonous layer too”.
Also, why call it “your euro-centric idea of beauty” when you ascribe things you can’t control like your nose or lips as being outside your own idea of beauty which is clearly euro-centric?
Why the fuck do I enter these debates? I’m fixing nothing.
I’ve been growing. It’s awesome.
There are some people I find equally fascinating and disgusting. I can’t comprehend a lot of things that fixate me to the idea of them, yet those very things are ones I find reflected on thoughts I have at the time. They make self-affirmations I make which I’d rather dispose of or get over.
I’d like to think these people are some sort of archetype. That there’s nothing to hold dear about them and that I can forget about them as I go back into mellow blending-in with the people who surround me and who I’m narcissistically comfortable feeling superior to.
It terrifies me to acknowledge either faction as individuals. I’m sickened by it and yet I know I have to make peace with the fact and get the thing done, ingrained in me, in order to grow up as a person. Maybe have a chance to become an individual myself, to be recognized as such and to feel safe existing around others.
It’s ridiculous. I want people not to matter while simultaneously acknowledging them as positive traits to my life. I’m ridiculous.
And then there’s the wolf. It’s a teenager. It’s violent. It’s facile. It’s egocentric.
Suicide is in consideration when I’m aware of people who remind me of myself. I’ve heard it be said that to kill another person you first need to kill yourself. I understand this because I’ve come very close to doing both. Metaphorically and literally.
Ridiculous drama. I feel stuffed. I need approval. I need. I need. I want. I crave. I don’t care. I’m pure id right now. I need to develop some much needed personality.
A weak semblance of such seems to arise when I’m worried or anxious. It seems like it’s my natural defense against strangers. To appear perfectly pollite when I’m worried about something.
I wonder who taught me that polliteness somehow grants you the emotional support of others. You should have heard me talking to my therapist. Trying to spout complete sentences as I was chocking in my own tears and snot and rage. Sentences that perfectly reflected, or so I felt the need to make them, what was occuring with me as I reviewed those emotions.
How can I ever be loved by others? Will people really sit through those long sentences, through those ridiculous complexities just to make them out to be immature, egocentric suffering? Or will they just tell me I wasted their time and leave?